Life is transformed in a moment with a death. I know. Our two sons are dead. Grieving is a pain-filled time of change for adults and children. Ideas on understanding and assisting children can be helpful at these times.

On a cloudless morning, I drove our 13-year-old son, Derek, to the airport. He had earned enough from his 4-H animal and garden projects to spend a few days with his hero, my brother Pat, at his ranch in northern California.

Tall, lanky Derek smiled, waving, after refusing my hug. "Not here, Mom!" He walked down the ramp to the Wings West airliner. After the plane took off, I drove our old, green '55 farm pickup to town to have lunch with my husband, Bill. When we returned to his office, Erma, the receptionist, said, "There's been a midair collision between a large plane headed north and a small plane."

Though Derek's death was not yet confirmed, and wouldn't be for hours, we went home to be with his 15-year-old sister, Dawna. It was there that, both together and individually, our lonely journey into the wilderness of grief began for the second time. Derek's older brother had died the day he was born, 14 years before. Grief is an individual experience, even with an incredibly supportive family and community.

Watching Dawna's struggle, I became painfully aware of the special challenges children, especially siblings, face in grief.

I started making lists of what to remember when someone dies. The to-do lists and my writings (even with my lifetime struggle with dyslexia) showed me what was happening as we crawled through that experience. This insight-filled, free-verse story and the lists, which include 107 decisions to consider in just the first two days after a death, have grown into what is now the fifth edition of GRIEF: Climb Toward Understanding. A few ideas from the book follow. Our family continues to use the book's stress-reducing pre-thought lists for coping with a death.

Similarly, reassurance for children and teenagers is imperative as a family deals with adjustments necessary in serious illnesses or accidents and recuperation. Children in these difficult experiences often see life from a different, and likely complicated, perspective. "I miss him far more than I thought I loved him" is a frequent feeling.

Grief offers us a rare opportunity to prepare children by helping them understand that they are dealing with change. Remember, our challenge as we work with children is to prepare them for life, rather than protect them, which often inhibits coping skills. A child who understands how to handle change has the most important life skill that can be given.

I am not a therapist. These are notes on concepts we have learned from many family experiences.

Two things that must be remembered

• Listen to each other. Listen with your eyes, ears, and heart to children and teens caught in the chaos of emotional change. Children will usually lead the way to meeting their needs if adults listen.
• Everyone's, including children's, adjustment timeline is different. Respecting and supporting each other's processes is essential.

Ten tips from my expanding list

1. Communicate with each child individually and in a supportive way using the following guidelines:
   • Explain simply what is happening. Even tidbits of information will usually generate questions. These will lead you in your age-appropriate discussion.
   • Over-explaining may be confusing. In a death, one possibility in explaining is "Johnnie's body stopped working because _____________. Johnnie has died."
   • If a death occurs, use the word "died" and the decedent's name. Do not use other explanations with a child, such as "Johnnie is sleeping, took a trip, has passed on, or went away." If religious, spiritual, or cultural explanations are used, such as about Heaven, they need to follow the use of the word "died."
   • Discuss the fact that Johnnie is no longer in pain, if he was ill or injured.
   • Answer all questions with honest, matter-of-fact information. "That's a good question" is usually a reassuring start to encourage the conversation.
2. Perhaps one of the best ways to prepare children for a death is to use "teachable moments." For instance, talk about feelings around the illness of a pet or the death of an insect or even a houseplant. Becoming familiar with the concept of death in a less threatening forum allows children to be more prepared when a serious illness or death comes to a loved one.
3. Be aware that imagined guilt for a death or even an illness frequently is not verbally expressed and often causes significant emotional problems later. Listen to-and for-these concerns. Grief counseling is often worthwhile. It is important to discuss with children that no one is responsible for this illness or death.
   
   Talking about and sharing feelings is essential. If you suspect you will have this conversation with a child, consider pre-thinking a one-sentence feeling of your own, such as "I feel really sad," to get the conversation started. Remember to listen; you want the child to share.
4. Children between the ages of four and nine may view illness, injury, and death in very concrete ways, asking, "Is she going to get well?" "How can she eat with tubes in her nose?" "How does she feel sick?" or "Can I ride in your wheelchair?"
   
   After a death, they may ask, "If Johnnie is going to be buried in the ground, how will he eat?" or "How does it feel to be dead?" These are not silly questions for children, just their way of attempting to understand.
5. Other questions, though often unverbalized, are "Will you (my caretaker) die, too?" and "Will I die, too?" Reassure them.
6. Consistency has a comforting effect. Keep as normal a daily routine as possible, including regular, balanced, sit-down meals and vitamins. We have found that a blessing at meals that mentions Johnnie by name makes it much easier to talk of concerns and to recall fond memories, both during meals and at other times. One of the most important challenges for children and adults is re-framing memories into a more current context. Like re-framing a picture, re-framing a memory is the process of giving a recollection new proportions and placing it in an updated frame or sequence.
7. Ask children and teens if they would like to know more about what will be happening. Gently explain the visitation and the service-where they will be, what they will see, what would make them more comfortable (like taking their blanket or pillow).
8. Realize that even small children can be participants in the family adjustment or mourning process, including the services. Participation is more important than perfection. (I have strong feelings, even today, about not being allowed as a four-year-old to attend my grandmother's funeral.)
   
   If children express interest in being involved, give them some options of what they might do. "Think about what you might like to share for Johnnie." (Our 10-year-old nephew wanted to play his great-grandmother's violin at his grandfather's funeral. Even a smidge off-key, it was a meaningful contribution to the service.)
   
   Give them some control; remind them that they can contribute a flower, picture, or other object if they wish. They also need to know that they can decide at any point to keep the item for their own comfort.
   
   A child may express a wish to see or touch Johnnie. If he or she wants to do so, this brings a reality to what has happened that talking about death can never replace.
   
   Beware of letting your adult fears get in the way of children's needs. Years of sadness or anger can result from young people not being allowed to partake in the formal mourning process.
9. From experience, we have learned it is very important to include children and teens in the family decision-meeting process described on page 225 in GRIEF: Climb Toward Understanding, if they wish to be involved.
   
   Before the meeting and the service, childcare needs to be arranged for a gentle, nondisruptive exit if a child is no longer interested or attentive.
10. Ideally, each child and adolescent in the family group will have a stable and caring adult available, one who is able to be emotionally present. Immediate family members are too closely involved to provide childcare at this time and should be free to deal with their own issues, other people, and situations that arise.
    
    Remember that everyone's, including children's, adjustment timeline is different. Respecting and supporting each other's processes is imperative.

Excerpted and adapted from GRIEF: Climb Toward Understanding by Phyllis Davies, published by Sunnybank Publishers. Davies is associated with World Neighbors, an international development organization for the improvement of health, agriculture, and education in the world's poorest countries. The author and publisher may be contacted at www.sunnybank.com.

PTAs may reprint this article in their local newsletters; please send copies of all reprints to Phyllis Davies, Sunnybank Publishers, P.O. Box 945, San Luis Obispo, CA 93406. Other parties must contact the author for permission if they wish to reprint or excerpt from this article. Requests can be sent via e-mail at www.sunnybank.com/contact.html.

Life is transformed in a moment with a death. I know. Our two sons are dead. Grieving is a pain-filled time of change for adults and children. Ideas on understanding and assisting children can be helpful at these times.

On a cloudless morning, I drove our 13-year-old son, Derek, to the airport. He had earned enough from his 4-H animal and garden projects to spend a few days with his hero, my brother Pat, at his ranch in northern California.

Tall, lanky Derek smiled, waving, after refusing my hug. "Not here, Mom!" He walked down the ramp to the Wings West airliner. After the plane took off, I drove our old, green '55 farm pickup to town to have lunch with my husband, Bill. When we returned to his office, Erma, the receptionist, said, "There's been a midair collision between a large plane headed north and a small plane."

Though Derek's death was not yet confirmed, and wouldn't be for hours, we went home to be with his 15-year-old sister, Dawna. It was there that, both together and individually, our lonely journey into the wilderness of grief began for the second time. Derek's older brother had died the day he was born, 14 years before. Grief is an individual experience, even with an incredibly supportive family and community.

Watching Dawna's struggle, I became painfully aware of the special challenges children, especially siblings, face in grief.

I started making lists of what to remember when someone dies. The to-do lists and my writings (even with my lifetime struggle with dyslexia) showed me what was happening as we crawled through that experience. This insight-filled, free-verse story and the lists, which include 107 decisions to consider in just the first two days after a death, have grown into what is now the fifth edition of GRIEF: Climb Toward Understanding. A few ideas from the book follow. Our family continues to use the book's stress-reducing pre-thought lists for coping with a death.

Similarly, reassurance for children and teenagers is imperative as a family deals with adjustments necessary in serious illnesses or accidents and recuperation. Children in these difficult experiences often see life from a different, and likely complicated, perspective. "I miss him far more than I thought I loved him" is a frequent feeling.

Grief offers us a rare opportunity to prepare children by helping them understand that they are dealing with change. Remember, our challenge as we work with children is to prepare them for life, rather than protect them, which often inhibits coping skills. A child who understands how to handle change has the most important life skill that can be given.

I am not a therapist. These are notes on concepts we have learned from many family experiences.

Two things that must be remembered

• Listen to each other. Listen with your eyes, ears, and heart to children and teens caught in the chaos of emotional change. Children will usually lead the way to meeting their needs if adults listen.
• Everyone's, including children's, adjustment timeline is different. Respecting and supporting each other's processes is essential.

Ten tips from my expanding list

1. Communicate with each child individually and in a supportive way using the following guidelines:
   • Explain simply what is happening. Even tidbits of information will usually generate questions. These will lead you in your age-appropriate discussion.
   • Over-explaining may be confusing. In a death, one possibility in explaining is "Johnnie's body stopped working because _____________. Johnnie has died."
   • If a death occurs, use the word "died" and the decedent's name. Do not use other explanations with a child, such as "Johnnie is sleeping, took a trip, has passed on, or went away." If religious, spiritual, or cultural explanations are used, such as about Heaven, they need to follow the use of the word "died."
   • Discuss the fact that Johnnie is no longer in pain, if he was ill or injured.
   • Answer all questions with honest, matter-of-fact information. "That's a good question" is usually a reassuring start to encourage the conversation.
2. Perhaps one of the best ways to prepare children for a death is to use "teachable moments." For instance, talk about feelings around the illness of a pet or the death of an insect or even a houseplant. Becoming familiar with the concept of death in a less threatening forum allows children to be more prepared when a serious illness or death comes to a loved one.
3. Be aware that imagined guilt for a death or even an illness frequently is not verbally expressed and often causes significant emotional problems later. Listen to-and for-these concerns. Grief counseling is often worthwhile. It is important to discuss with children that no one is responsible for this illness or death.
   
   Talking about and sharing feelings is essential. If you suspect you will have this conversation with a child, consider pre-thinking a one-sentence feeling of your own, such as "I feel really sad," to get the conversation started. Remember to listen; you want the child to share.
4. Children between the ages of four and nine may view illness, injury, and death in very concrete ways, asking, "Is she going to get well?" "How can she eat with tubes in her nose?" "How does she feel sick?" or "Can I ride in your wheelchair?"
   
   After a death, they may ask, "If Johnnie is going to be buried in the ground, how will he eat?" or "How does it feel to be dead?" These are not silly questions for children, just their way of attempting to understand.
5. Other questions, though often unverbalized, are "Will you (my caretaker) die, too?" and "Will I die, too?" Reassure them.
6. Consistency has a comforting effect. Keep as normal a daily routine as possible, including regular, balanced, sit-down meals and vitamins. We have found that a blessing at meals that mentions Johnnie by name makes it much easier to talk of concerns and to recall fond memories, both during meals and at other times. One of the most important challenges for children and adults is re-framing memories into a more current context. Like re-framing a picture, re-framing a memory is the process of giving a recollection new proportions and placing it in an updated frame or sequence.
7. Ask children and teens if they would like to know more about what will be happening. Gently explain the visitation and the service-where they will be, what they will see, what would make them more comfortable (like taking their blanket or pillow).
8. Realize that even small children can be participants in the family adjustment or mourning process, including the services. Participation is more important than perfection. (I have strong feelings, even today, about not being allowed as a four-year-old to attend my grandmother's funeral.)
   
   If children express interest in being involved, give them some options of what they might do. "Think about what you might like to share for Johnnie." (Our 10-year-old nephew wanted to play his great-grandmother's violin at his grandfather's funeral. Even a smidge off-key, it was a meaningful contribution to the service.)
   
   Give them some control; remind them that they can contribute a flower, picture, or other object if they wish. They also need to know that they can decide at any point to keep the item for their own comfort.
   
   A child may express a wish to see or touch Johnnie. If he or she wants to do so, this brings a reality to what has happened that talking about death can never replace.
   
   Beware of letting your adult fears get in the way of children's needs. Years of sadness or anger can result from young people not being allowed to partake in the formal mourning process.
9. From experience, we have learned it is very important to include children and teens in the family decision-meeting process described on page 225 in GRIEF: Climb Toward Understanding, if they wish to be involved.
   
   Before the meeting and the service, childcare needs to be arranged for a gentle, nondisruptive exit if a child is no longer interested or attentive.
10. Ideally, each child and adolescent in the family group will have a stable and caring adult available, one who is able to be emotionally present. Immediate family members are too closely involved to provide childcare at this time and should be free to deal with their own issues, other people, and situations that arise.
    
    Remember that everyone's, including children's, adjustment timeline is different. Respecting and supporting each other's processes is imperative.

Excerpted and adapted from GRIEF: Climb Toward Understanding by Phyllis Davies, published by Sunnybank Publishers. Davies is associated with World Neighbors, an international development organization for the improvement of health, agriculture, and education in the world's poorest countries. The author and publisher may be contacted at www.sunnybank.com.

PTAs may reprint this article in their local newsletters; please send copies of all reprints to Phyllis Davies, Sunnybank Publishers, P.O. Box 945, San Luis Obispo, CA 93406. Other parties must contact the author for permission if they wish to reprint or excerpt from this article. Requests can be sent via e-mail at www.sunnybank.com/contact.html.