Competition and Kids: It's Not About Winning
By Ted Villaire
Whether it's on the sports field, in the classroom, or out in the backyard, competition can provide kids with plenty of opportunities for having fun and learning new skills. As part of a sports team, for example, kids will likely learn about time management, self-discipline, and good sportsmanship. They'll also get in shape, spend time with friends, and learn that success can hinge upon how well they work with others.
While competition certainly has its perks, there can be a downside when winning and recognition become a child's only goals—thereby zapping the fun out of the activity. To help your child develop a healthy attitude toward competition, emphasize that enjoying an activity does not mean being the best at it and explain that you're not overly invested in who wins.
Emphasize fun...and effort
The first priority when engaging in competitive activities—especially for kids ages 10 and younger—is having fun. "Younger kids are likely to lose interest in activities that are overly competitive," advises Susan Newman, a social psychologist and author of several books on parenting who teaches at Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey. To sustain younger children's enthusiasm when playing sports and games, toss out the scorecard and be ready to adjust the rules to fit the kids' abilities. In addition, Newman says, constant encouragement will help young children feel confident about their efforts. If parents emphasize fun and effort, kids will be less likely to make a fuss about winning and losing and more likely to continue the activity as they grow up.
As children get older, particularly at middle-school age, winning gains new appeal. Unfortunately, this newfound interest in winning prompts some kids to start dropping out of sports, observes Carleton Kendrick, a family therapist who is a featured expert on Family Education Network, an online resource for parents, teachers, and children. Kids often quit playing sports because they feel they can't satisfy their own or their parents' expectations. To prevent children from quitting sports altogether, "keep them playing sports they enjoy—if not in school or on [community] youth teams, then informally with friends," advises Kendrick.
Kids are more likely to stick with competitive activities and enjoy themselves if they don't have parents pressuring them. When discussing a competitive event involving a child, Susan Newman suggests, parents should keep the conversation general and refrain from addressing the child's individual performance or achievement. "When [a child's] performance is overanalyzed, it underscores the importance of winning," says Newman. "This is not the message you want to send." Newman recommends offering praise to a child whether he wins or loses, and keeping your enthusiasm in check when the child wins. If you're over-excited when your child wins, Newman explains, he may perceive you're disappointed when he loses.
Provide excellent role models
A child's individual personality will determine much of his attitude toward competition, but the adults in his life have a profound effect, too. Regrettably, some coaches and teachers serve as poor role models for kids when they compete. If your child's coach is encouraging the team to be overly aggressive on the field, Christine Ziegler, a psychology professor at Kennesaw State University in Georgia, suggests that you contact the league or the school administrators and let them know your child will be removed from the team if the atmosphere does not improve. "Parents have choices about what programs they want their kids to participate in," Ziegler says. "There are usually several options available."
If a child becomes angry or depressed when he loses, or if he attempts to cheat, tries to change the rules of the game, or refuses to play if he's losing, it's likely that the child has too much invested in winning. While you may identify factors outside the home that contribute to this behavior, more often kids pick up an obsession with winning from their parents. "If kids are overly competitive, parents need to look at how they may be unknowingly promoting the idea of winning as the most important thing," says Ziegler. "Parents should ask, 'What am I doing that may be misinterpreted?'"
Discuss the conduct of others
Whether you're attending the school science fair or watching a professional baseball game, Susan Newman advises you to be on the lookout for opportunities to talk about examples of good and bad behavior surrounding competition. "When you see another child throwing a tantrum or misbehaving on the field before, after, or during a game, point it out." After you get home, Newman says, "Ask your child, 'Did you see that kid throwing his bat? That's dangerous.'" Also, when discussing inappropriate behavior, ask your child to think of a better way to respond to that particular situation, suggests Newman.
Involve children in cooperative activities
Many parenting experts believe that children's activities focus too much on competition and too little on cooperation. They contend that cooperative activities such as playing music together, collaborating on science or art projects, playing games in which the goal is working together, and any number of other teamwork-oriented pursuits build valuable skills for kids. "Competition is important, but so is cooperation," says Christine Ziegler. "At times, a group's goals are more important than an individual's goals. Successful adults have learned that there is a time to compete and a time to cooperate."
Cooperative activities, says Ziegler, are ones that require participants to coordinate their efforts for a common goal. In noncompetitive activities, however, the goal is performing a particular task—whether it's bicycling, playing catch, swimming, or climbing on the monkey bars—rather than competing against another person. Zielger says cooperative and noncompetitive activities and games are essential for all kids, but especially for those kids who are overly fixated on competition. Young children who generally have a hard time understanding winning and losing may gravitate toward these activities, as will kids who become frustrated and distressed and develop feelings of inferiority in highly competitive environments.
Above all, kids should learn to treat everyone with courtesy and respect whether they win or lose. Ideally, while engaged in competition, a child will learn that winning isn't important; what is important is putting forth the best effort possible. Then, as the child grows older and realizes that sustained effort leads to improved performance, she'll learn to compete against the worthiest opponent of all—herself.
Parents can help minimize sibling rivalry by being sensitive to each child's personal temperament and personality. Virginia Shiller, a clinical psychologist specializing in the treatment of children and families, says that if one child is a gifted athlete and another has a knack for art, you should emphasize their individual skills, rather than how they stack up against one another.
While competition among siblings can be a normal part of growing up, you may need to step in when circumstances become cruel and hurtful. Intervention is especially needed when sibling rivalry heats up between elementary-age children or between older children and they're unable to resolve the conflict themselves. If, for example, conflicts arise when an older child repeatedly wins when he plays basketball with a younger sibling, ask both children why the match is unbalanced, advises Shiller. After pointing out that the older child has the advantage of size and experience, suggest giving the younger child a lead of several points or ask the older child to shoot further from the basket.
